My Second Language

It's a well known fact that doctors, nurses and insurance companies speak their very own version of English. To the untrained ear, it may sound similar to the English you and I speak, but I assure the translation couldn't be more different. Now, it has been almost 12 years since I have been immersed in this culture, so my Hospitalese is a bit rusty. Thankfully, within the past week, Hershey Medical and my insurance company have been kind enough to give me a crash course. Here is what I've learned so far:

1. "We will call you to set up a biopsy." Seems fairly straight-forward, but take a look at the translation...
"We'll just go ahead and schedule you for whenever we see fit. Then we'll call to tell you about it a mere three days beforehand, so we hope you have an understanding boss because you are going to need to take about three days off with little to no notice. Oh, and you should probably show up a few hours before your scheduled time because you're going to have a bunch of other stuff done, too. Thanks."

2. "Someone will call you before the procedure to let you know how to prepare and where to go." Ok, most people can figure this one out...
"No one is REALLY going to call you. You are going to spend the day before desperately trying to get in touch with anyone who might be able to help you, to no avail. You will then rely on the internet and hope for the best. Good luck."

3. "Your insurance is going to cover the Epogen!" Good news, right?!?! Not so fast...
"We will cover it, but there's a catch. You won't be able to get it filled anywhere that may be convenient for you...no CVS, no Wal-Mart or Target, not even Geisinger. You're going to have to call one of these two companies, who are then going to need mountains of paperwork and verification from your doctor. Then, if everything is approved, you can call to order it and schedule a delivery time. Oh, and they can't guarantee overnight delivery, so it will most likely be another week or so until you get it. Hope you didn't need it right away!"

These are just a few simple examples. I'm sure I'll be getting into more advanced Hospitalese as the months go on. Feel free to check back often and use this blog as a quick reference guide. You're welcome! :)